A Constant Battle

There are days when I think I finally have my depression under control. There are days where I'm happy and care free and the world is good. Then there are days where it physically hurts. It hurts to smile hurts to breathe. People say take a pill it will make it better. All the pills do is mask the issues. You  are shut off from love and feelings all together.

I am 26 years old and I have battled with depression for ever. I'm usually pretty good at masking it. Simple things can cause a down word spiral. I feel as though I'm not important, not valued, not wanted. Is this reality? It's a constant second judgement and second guessing of does this really mean how I interpreted it, or is there something else lying under the tone. I live in fear of rejection, I live in fear of happiness.

I write things, not to receive sympathy, because honestly I don't want anyone's sympathy. I write because it feels good to say things.  I'm probably more open than I should be, but I prefer to think of it as expressive. It feels good to express into words the thoughts in my head. Tomorrow is a different day and it may be perfect. I hold onto the hope that better days are always ahead.

Update

Well goodness, it has been awhile since I posted an update! Jason is growing so fast, and filling my every waking moment with happiness. He is still very stubborn in regards to talking, but we are working on sign language and encouraging him to talk. He is just under 3ft and weights 28 pounds now! I can't believe how fast he has grown!! For having such a rough start to live, I do declare him absolutely perfect :)

However.... that still doesn't stop the comments and the glances. My son does not speak. Does that break my heart, well yes it does. I'm dying to hear what the kid has to say, what he sounds like. We are working on his speech, with a therapist and are slowly but surely seeing progress. Does this mean something is wrong with my son? Well on that front, I have no freaking clue. Jason does have some repetitive behavior that we have written off as curiosity, and maybe it is maybe it isn't. If we redirect him, he seems to do fine and enjoys playing. He plays great at daycare and enjoys being outside and just exploring everything.

The point is, if there is something wrong with our son, it really doesn't bother us. I could have known in the womb that something was going to be seriously wrong with him, and I still would have chosen to keep him. We will continue, as we always have to seek the best for our son. No matter what he is our little man and regardless, he is perfect to us. We are so blessed to have so many amazing and caring people in our lives. You shape my sons world :)

Mourning an Idea

As I'm bustling around the house last night, packing for our weekend away, I happened to glance at the calender. Sunday is May 24th.... why is this day important? I stared at it for a few minutes wondering what was the significance of this day and then it hit me. May 24th was my due date, we should be celebrating Jason's 2nd birthday this weekend. It's amazing how even after two years, a flood of emotions and regrets coming surging forward.
Honestly, I would change a thing about our lives, but you can't help but be wistful about things. I wasn't pregnant at my baby shower, I never had maternity photos taken. I never got to have that amazing experience of you child laying on your chest and enjoying the moment of pure joy it brings. What I had was very different. Instead of being able to enjoy the birth of my child, I do hope enjoy is the right word, I was filled with panic and dread. I remember laying there, praying to god that Jason would cry, that's all I wanted was to hear him cry. Our baby shower was filled with people who weren't quite sure what to say (I LOVE YOU ALL BY THE WAY) and a very anxious mother who kept looking at her phone, asking if it was time to leave yet. I fiddled with the NICU bracelet on my wrist more times than I could count, and called the NICU at least three times to check on my tiny little man.
My son is a fighter, he is my miracle and I wouldn't change anything about him. However I can't help but mourn an idea. You go into motherhood with an idea. I am a planner, so I planned everything down to a t. I had everything laid out, plans and then boom all that changes. You can't help but mourn an idea, a thought, a process. We all expect things to go one way, and when they don't we are filled with emotions, negative, positive, sad, angry, all the above. We mourn an idea. So while my son is over two, I think May 24th will always hold a special place in my heart. It's my idea, my date :)

Parenting 101: What they don't tell you!!!

There are certain things, they don't tell you about having a child. They tell you all the good things, like the snuggles and the laughs. The part where you could never love another person more, well the def have that right. It's unbelievably amazing being a parent. You stare at this little person and couldn't possibly imagine life without them. 
Parenting is generalized by so many people. Children are all expected to do certain things at certain times and if they don't you panic! Am I a good parent? What am I doing wrong? The truth is all kids do things at different paces.
So back to the moral of my rambling, there are certain things they don't tell you about parenting. There are certain little things that you trade when you become a parent. Things you wouldn't normally wouldn't think would be so special, like going to the bathroom alone! Inevitably, as soon as you close the door, a child cries, or bangs on the door yelling "MAMA IN!!" a the top of their lungs. And it doesn't just stop there. If you lay down to relax, they will find you. If you want to eat something, they are right there begging you for food.
Now the moral of this story is that while, I wouldn't change any of this for a single second, to be a parent i to self sacrifice. You never think of all the little things you give up that are so important, so simple. So every once in a while, take a bubble bath, have a drink and enjoy yourself! You are a human being and you have desires too! :)

He is 2!!

Wow!! Just wow!! My little boy is officially 2. He no longer looks like a little baby, he looks like a little man. I just can't believe how fast time has gone. I am so blessed to be Jason's mommy!! This year we decided to do smaller parties instead of one giant party (my wallet was thankful). Saturday we were supposed to have some of his little friends over to play, but unfortunately sickness ran rampant that day, so only one of our little friends showed. Not to worry though, T and Jason always have such a great time together! They played and played and played. Toddler giggles could be heard as they chased each other and played with balloons. The weekend was a success regardless and he was spoiled like usual! Thank you to all of our family and friends who came to celebrate our little guy with us! We are as always humbled by your love and support!

I think he's pretty dang handsome how about you :)

Tenley and Jason~ Best Friends!

Jason just adores his cousin Emma!

That face says it all , huh :)

Love~ The Prices

Blessings and Curses

The past few weeks, two of my friends have gone through an incredibly difficult time. Being a parent is both a blessing and a curse. Now before you rip my head off let me explain.

Blessing:
Being a parent is a true blessing from God. There is nothing more amazing in this world, than staring into the eyes of your child (whether adopted or birth) and knowing your their parent. The milestones you walk through as a parent are the most rewarding and inspiring. You will shape your child's future. You will be the person they turn to when anything is wrong.

Curse:
The curse of being a parent, is the worry and the pain. Not the pain of bringing a child into this world, but the pain of knowing that their are evils in this world. Bad things can happen to anyone. The terror of knowing that things are outside your control and there is nothing you can do about it. The feeling is almost indescribable. It's a terrifying thing to love someone with your whole heart and any decent parent loves their child with their entire being.

Being a parent is the most terrifying and rewarding experience. I wouldn't trade it for the world. The journey to be a parent isn't always easy. You have to take the good with the bad, and sometimes that means pain, sometimes it means tears. Love is both rewarding and terrifying.

I am a painter.... well sort of...

Well if you call clicking a camera painting, then yup I'm a painter :)

The Deep Dark Hole

When you battle depression, everything can seem painful. I have battled depression for many many years, but it still feels like I am just beginning my battle. Am I loved... Yes. I've always doubted my self worth, my existence as a whole. I have my high points and I have my low points. When you fight depression, it's like being on the worlds longest rollercoaster, with no exit. There are moments where I feel fantastic and nothing bothers me. There are moments where I just want to lay in bed and cry.

The past few months, I have been in a very dark and painful place. I feel like I don't have many people who care or want me around. Is that true, well in some cases it may be. The hardest lesson a person can learn is, that not everyone values you or appreciates you or wants you in their life. I am a people pleaser, I want my friends to like me, I want to be the best wife and mother I can be. How can I accomplish any of this, when I am in such personal quarrels with myself?

My dear friend has introduced me to a thing called pleasure research. Pleasure research is all about finding your self worth and realizing that until you love yourself, you can never be any of the things you so desire. I am fighting my depression by understanding that I am perfect just the way God created me. God has a use for me, and while at times I may not understand the use, nor desire any outcomes, I keep trucking forward because of God's grace. The women in my pleasure research group are phenomenal. We all support each other and post articles and encouraging things, so that we all can realize our self value and life a fuller life.

So is that it? Did I just cure myself? The answer would be no. I still have my moments, but I've found that music has been incredibly therapeutic for me. Songs are like little blessings and stories for your ears to hear. With that and the help of my wonderful support group, I'm happy to say I'm on the mend, slowly, but surely, moving two feet towards the goal every single day. Here I Am Alive!

The Thing About Two

Wow, just wow! It's unbelievable to me, that in a few short weeks, I will have a two year old son! It's just nuts! I can't believe how fast these two years have gone by. Jason is every bit of a two year old now! He is so independent and getting into absolutely everything! We are also throwing our two year fits now too, which is a blast! He gets quite upset when he can't do something he think he should. He loves to run and play and is just the best kid! We couldn't ask for a more perfect boy! God has truly blessed us.

So now that our little tiny  3 pound baby boy is almost two, we have been asked the big question. When is Jason going to get a brother or a sister? Many people have their opinions, both good and bad, but I hate to disappoint you all, that it will be awhile before another Price baby arrives! We have several reasons for waiting so long. The biggest reason is our worry of having another preemie baby. We absolutely want another child and while there is only a small chance I will have problems again, I want Jason to be in school before we think about it. Everyone keeps telling us that we shouldn't base our decisions on things like that, but we have to. I won't be able to stay in the NICU like I did with Jason. I have to factor that into our decisions. It just thinks more sense to think clearly about everything. We don't want to rush into anything and have any regrets. We are beyond blessed and thankful for everything we have. We will have another baby, when the time is right. For now we are just enjoying our little family of three :)

The End Is Near!!

I am happy to report, that I have only 13 short weeks till I am officially Courtney Lynn Price, MAHR! I will have my masters degree in a few short weeks and I am so excited and so ready to be done! This has been such a long crazy process, but I'm glad that the fruits of my labor will finally be paying out! I start my last course August 28th, which can't come soon enough!
In other news, we officially have a walking jabbering one year old! Jason has changed so much in such a short time. He laughs at everything now, and can clearly say Mama and Dada, hat, up, no, uhoh, and sometimes hi and bye! We just had his hair cut for the third time (seriously the kids hair grows faster than mine does!) We loves bath time, playing with his toys and being outside! He is seriously such a fun kid! Here are some updated pictures!

Selfish

I have spent the majority of my life waiting for the next big thing. I constantly find myself asking God for more. I'd like a different car or a vacation. One thing I begged for more than anything was a child. It's hard on ones spirits to be infertile. Now I know other women have infertility issues worse than mine, and they are in my constant thoughts and prayers. There are a range of emotions you go through when finding out you are infertile. You blame yourself, and hate yourself for not being able to do the one thing you are supposed to do. I begged God to answer my prayers and he did, but not in the way I would have planned. And even after I found myself asking and wishing for more. Why? Because I am selfish.
I am an incredibly selfish person. I want things, I want my time. I am trying to fix this. Each day is a gift from God and the opportunity to spread more love and happiness. Instead of focusing on what I want, I need to focus on how I can help others and caring for my family. My God and those around me are the most important things and my reason for existing. Do I want more things in life... Absolutely, but they will happen in due time as God sees fit. Right now I need to focus on being the very best Christian, mother, wife, daughter and friend I can be.

God Bless!

Nine Months Already!.... And In Other News

Say What!!! Our tiny little micro preemie is now 9 months old and growing like a weed! Jason is sitting up all on his own and beginning to really take an interest in crawling. He can not crawl yet, but he gets on all fours and rocks back and forth. He is also really wanting to stand more and more now.

Halloween and then some...

Well it has been another crazy month in the Price household! We dedicated our child to Jesus in the midst of our family, which was an amazing moment for us! Jason is our little miracle baby so I continually want to thank god for him! Speaking of little miracle babies, the kid has finally slowed down on growing! Thank god! I don't think I could afford to keep buying new clothes every other month! We had our check up with Children's Mercy and they are very pleased with his progress. He is 17 pounds and 27 inches long! He had huge feet too, not sure where he go that from (it could be his size 12 mother lol!) He is rolling over a lot now! He is also enjoying tummy time a lot more now! I ace'd my second masters class and am now in my fourth week of my 3rd and 4th class. Next October I will be done with my masters and officially done with school! Here are some pictures! Much Love From The Prices!

Update!

Well I'm  a very bad mommy! I haven't posted in three months! Life for the Price three is pretty normal. Hubby and I both switched positions within our jobs, and are loving it! Jason is 17 pounds of per cuteness! I swear every day this kid learns something new! He has started laughing more, and he is trying so hard to sit up! He also loves to stand  and is working on crawling! It's so hard to believe that tiny little 3 pound baby is now six months old and growing so dang fast :( He refuses to slow down. I've added some pictures! I promise to post more soon!

Understanding The Plan

My friend Diana, posted this on my wall today. Some how I think it ties in nicely with the blog I wanted to post today.

How Preemie Moms Are Chosen~*~ 
(Erma Bombeck)

Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen? Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia. Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect She has just the right amount of selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see-- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice-- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."


When I first got sick I felt so much anger and resentment towards God. Why did this happen to me, what did I do to deserve this. I had a full time job, a family and things I needed to take care of. I didn't have time to lay in a hospital bed and sleep all day. For anyone who truly knows me, I am a go getter and I do not take kindly to resting. I argued with my Dr. when he first admitted me. I told him I would only be in the hospital a few days, and then go back to work. Well that obviously wasn't the case.
When we found out on April 2nd, that Jason was going to be born that day, I just remember this calm feeling surrounding me. Was it scary, INCREDIBLY!! Somehow I knew that God was there beside me and was going to take care of my precious baby boy. I prayed the entire time on the operating table, begging God to just let Jason cry. If he cried, then I knew everything was going to be okay. Jason came out screaming his head off. My prayers had been answered.
The next day in the NICU, when I finally got to go up and see Jason, I found myself angry again. Why did my sweet little baby have to suffer? Why was I only allowed to hold him for an hour every day? Why couldn't I take my baby home? I was surrounded in Mother and Baby, by all these happy mommy's taking their babies home and here I was, only getting to hold mine for an hour a day. Then I met a mom who had been in the NICU for 3 months waiting for her little boy to come home. He was two weeks earlier than Jason, but had a whole different set of problems. I began talking with other NICU parents, some who still hadn't been able to hold their tiny little bundles of joy. I felt like such a horrible human being. Here I was crying about only getting to hold my child an hour, even thought he was doing amazing, and these poor parents hadn't even gotten to hold their babies. I came to the realization that God had given me the most precious gift. An hour a day stunk, but at least it was an hour with my precious baby. 
I thanked God the day we came home, I was so grateful for him giving me a little fighter. Panic set in a few weeks after though. How was I going to be able to leave my beautiful baby. Why did I have to go to work when so many others didn't. I found myself angry again saying, I don't want to leave my baby and we will just have to cut back. I absolutely love my job! I was lucky enough to have twelve weeks off with my precious baby, and that in itself is a gift. God showed me that I need to continue life almost as it was before Jason was here. I still need to pay all my bills, go to work, and then when I come home, I have this ornery little guy to hang out with. I can continue working a job I love and still be Jason's mommy. I was blessed enough to have twelve weeks off and be able to be with Jason full time immediately after he was born. The doctors believe Jason's health is contributed to two things: Him being a fighter, and the fact I stayed home so long with him. We were able to inspire each other and fight for each other. Going back to work isn't a scary thing, its a good thing. Yes it's going to break my heart being away from the munchkin the first few days, but I have excellent care for him. I have a baby yes, and I am going back to work, but that doesn't mean I won't continue to be Jason's mommy and give him the love and care he needs. I'm stronger than I think I am, and more willing to go the distance for this little guy. I want him to have everything I didn't have in life, but most of all I want him to believe in God, and be inspired by his creator. Thank you God for laying out your plan. I may have had plans of my own, but yours are by far greater.

Two Months Already

Hard to believe Jason is two months old already! And what a crazy month it has been. Before we left the hospital, Jason had a head ultrasound, and it showed he had two grade 1 brain bleeds. They wanted to do an MRI after he was two months old and see if the bleeding had caused any permanent brain damage. We had the MRI last Monday, and Jason was not a big fan of it. Luckily the test only lasted about an hour and when he came back out, we was very excited to see his mommy and daddy. We went and saw the NICU doctor Thursday, to get the results of the MRI. Dr. Hubbard was the DR. we saw. She was shocked to see how big Jason had gotten. She smiled at him and said what happened to that little tiny 3 pound baby I admitted. Jason is just under 20 inches long and is almost nine pounds! They are so happy with his weight gain and his reflexes. Dr. Hubbard told us that the MRI results came back and Jason had no damage! Our baby is perfectly healthy! Dr. Hubbard officially dismissed Jason, and said that unless Dr. Grimaldi, his regular pediatrician recommended it, we didn't need to come back. We are so excited to have such a happy healthy baby boy!
Jason has been growing like a weed! We finally put away his preemie clothes shortly after he turned a month old. Yesterday we retired his newborn clothes! Or little baby is finally starting to catch up in size! We went to Clearwater last weekend and visited Jason's Great Aunt and Uncle, his cousins and his Great Grandma Sandy! We had such a good time! Jason also learned how to smile and coo over the weekend! He is getting so big so fast! I return to work in two weeks, so I plan on spending every second I can with my little man. He truly has his Mama wrapped around his finger!

First Month And Oh What An Adventure It Has Been!

Jason is a month old today! Pretty unbelievable! He is growing so fast and changing so much every day. It's been a few weeks since I have blogged so I am behind on some of the big news! WE ARE HOME!!! Yup it's official Jason came home on April 22nd, which was my dad's birthday! The 20th, I was up in the nicu feeding him at 2:30 in the morning. The nurse came in to tell me that some of my neighbors were out in the waiting room (they were having a grand baby in the same hospital!) and so I went out to talk with them. Before I left Jason, I wrapped him up real tightly, because he loves to pull out his ng tube. Well I came back in from talking to them, and Jason had managed to unwrap himself and pull out his tube. The nurse decided that we would wait to put the tube back in. Unless he absolutely needed it, we would rather have him take all his feedings by mouth. Josh and I left the hospital around six, because we were headed to my moms for my baby shower. We received so many amazing and wonderful gifts! The shower was a blast and I am so thankful for everyone that came. I left my mom's around two and called the hospital to check on him. They said as long as Jason continued to eat like a champion we were going home on Monday. I asked the nurse three times to repeat what she had said because I was in absolute shock! We were told when he was born we would be lucky to make it home by mothers day. My little man had different plans and on the 22nd we exited the hospital and headed home!

We absolutely love being home! Jason sleeps in the bassinet right next to our bed and so far he is letting me sleep around three to four hours before he wakes up and wants to eat. I am off for the next eight weeks and we are just enjoying our time as a family. There truly is no place like home! Here are some of Jason's 1 month pics I took! :)