Blessings and Curses

The past few weeks, two of my friends have gone through an incredibly difficult time. Being a parent is both a blessing and a curse. Now before you rip my head off let me explain.

Blessing:
Being a parent is a true blessing from God. There is nothing more amazing in this world, than staring into the eyes of your child (whether adopted or birth) and knowing your their parent. The milestones you walk through as a parent are the most rewarding and inspiring. You will shape your child's future. You will be the person they turn to when anything is wrong.

Curse:
The curse of being a parent, is the worry and the pain. Not the pain of bringing a child into this world, but the pain of knowing that their are evils in this world. Bad things can happen to anyone. The terror of knowing that things are outside your control and there is nothing you can do about it. The feeling is almost indescribable. It's a terrifying thing to love someone with your whole heart and any decent parent loves their child with their entire being.

Being a parent is the most terrifying and rewarding experience. I wouldn't trade it for the world. The journey to be a parent isn't always easy. You have to take the good with the bad, and sometimes that means pain, sometimes it means tears. Love is both rewarding and terrifying.

I am a painter.... well sort of...

Well if you call clicking a camera painting, then yup I'm a painter :)

The Deep Dark Hole

When you battle depression, everything can seem painful. I have battled depression for many many years, but it still feels like I am just beginning my battle. Am I loved... Yes. I've always doubted my self worth, my existence as a whole. I have my high points and I have my low points. When you fight depression, it's like being on the worlds longest rollercoaster, with no exit. There are moments where I feel fantastic and nothing bothers me. There are moments where I just want to lay in bed and cry.

The past few months, I have been in a very dark and painful place. I feel like I don't have many people who care or want me around. Is that true, well in some cases it may be. The hardest lesson a person can learn is, that not everyone values you or appreciates you or wants you in their life. I am a people pleaser, I want my friends to like me, I want to be the best wife and mother I can be. How can I accomplish any of this, when I am in such personal quarrels with myself?

My dear friend has introduced me to a thing called pleasure research. Pleasure research is all about finding your self worth and realizing that until you love yourself, you can never be any of the things you so desire. I am fighting my depression by understanding that I am perfect just the way God created me. God has a use for me, and while at times I may not understand the use, nor desire any outcomes, I keep trucking forward because of God's grace. The women in my pleasure research group are phenomenal. We all support each other and post articles and encouraging things, so that we all can realize our self value and life a fuller life.

So is that it? Did I just cure myself? The answer would be no. I still have my moments, but I've found that music has been incredibly therapeutic for me. Songs are like little blessings and stories for your ears to hear. With that and the help of my wonderful support group, I'm happy to say I'm on the mend, slowly, but surely, moving two feet towards the goal every single day. Here I Am Alive!

The Thing About Two

Wow, just wow! It's unbelievable to me, that in a few short weeks, I will have a two year old son! It's just nuts! I can't believe how fast these two years have gone by. Jason is every bit of a two year old now! He is so independent and getting into absolutely everything! We are also throwing our two year fits now too, which is a blast! He gets quite upset when he can't do something he think he should. He loves to run and play and is just the best kid! We couldn't ask for a more perfect boy! God has truly blessed us.

So now that our little tiny  3 pound baby boy is almost two, we have been asked the big question. When is Jason going to get a brother or a sister? Many people have their opinions, both good and bad, but I hate to disappoint you all, that it will be awhile before another Price baby arrives! We have several reasons for waiting so long. The biggest reason is our worry of having another preemie baby. We absolutely want another child and while there is only a small chance I will have problems again, I want Jason to be in school before we think about it. Everyone keeps telling us that we shouldn't base our decisions on things like that, but we have to. I won't be able to stay in the NICU like I did with Jason. I have to factor that into our decisions. It just thinks more sense to think clearly about everything. We don't want to rush into anything and have any regrets. We are beyond blessed and thankful for everything we have. We will have another baby, when the time is right. For now we are just enjoying our little family of three :)

The End Is Near!!

I am happy to report, that I have only 13 short weeks till I am officially Courtney Lynn Price, MAHR! I will have my masters degree in a few short weeks and I am so excited and so ready to be done! This has been such a long crazy process, but I'm glad that the fruits of my labor will finally be paying out! I start my last course August 28th, which can't come soon enough!
In other news, we officially have a walking jabbering one year old! Jason has changed so much in such a short time. He laughs at everything now, and can clearly say Mama and Dada, hat, up, no, uhoh, and sometimes hi and bye! We just had his hair cut for the third time (seriously the kids hair grows faster than mine does!) We loves bath time, playing with his toys and being outside! He is seriously such a fun kid! Here are some updated pictures!

Selfish

I have spent the majority of my life waiting for the next big thing. I constantly find myself asking God for more. I'd like a different car or a vacation. One thing I begged for more than anything was a child. It's hard on ones spirits to be infertile. Now I know other women have infertility issues worse than mine, and they are in my constant thoughts and prayers. There are a range of emotions you go through when finding out you are infertile. You blame yourself, and hate yourself for not being able to do the one thing you are supposed to do. I begged God to answer my prayers and he did, but not in the way I would have planned. And even after I found myself asking and wishing for more. Why? Because I am selfish.
I am an incredibly selfish person. I want things, I want my time. I am trying to fix this. Each day is a gift from God and the opportunity to spread more love and happiness. Instead of focusing on what I want, I need to focus on how I can help others and caring for my family. My God and those around me are the most important things and my reason for existing. Do I want more things in life... Absolutely, but they will happen in due time as God sees fit. Right now I need to focus on being the very best Christian, mother, wife, daughter and friend I can be.

God Bless!

Nine Months Already!.... And In Other News

Say What!!! Our tiny little micro preemie is now 9 months old and growing like a weed! Jason is sitting up all on his own and beginning to really take an interest in crawling. He can not crawl yet, but he gets on all fours and rocks back and forth. He is also really wanting to stand more and more now.