The Deep Dark Hole

When you battle depression, everything can seem painful. I have battled depression for many many years, but it still feels like I am just beginning my battle. Am I loved... Yes. I've always doubted my self worth, my existence as a whole. I have my high points and I have my low points. When you fight depression, it's like being on the worlds longest rollercoaster, with no exit. There are moments where I feel fantastic and nothing bothers me. There are moments where I just want to lay in bed and cry.

The past few months, I have been in a very dark and painful place. I feel like I don't have many people who care or want me around. Is that true, well in some cases it may be. The hardest lesson a person can learn is, that not everyone values you or appreciates you or wants you in their life. I am a people pleaser, I want my friends to like me, I want to be the best wife and mother I can be. How can I accomplish any of this, when I am in such personal quarrels with myself?

My dear friend has introduced me to a thing called pleasure research. Pleasure research is all about finding your self worth and realizing that until you love yourself, you can never be any of the things you so desire. I am fighting my depression by understanding that I am perfect just the way God created me. God has a use for me, and while at times I may not understand the use, nor desire any outcomes, I keep trucking forward because of God's grace. The women in my pleasure research group are phenomenal. We all support each other and post articles and encouraging things, so that we all can realize our self value and life a fuller life.

So is that it? Did I just cure myself? The answer would be no. I still have my moments, but I've found that music has been incredibly therapeutic for me. Songs are like little blessings and stories for your ears to hear. With that and the help of my wonderful support group, I'm happy to say I'm on the mend, slowly, but surely, moving two feet towards the goal every single day. Here I Am Alive!