A Constant Battle

There are days when I think I finally have my depression under control. There are days where I'm happy and care free and the world is good. Then there are days where it physically hurts. It hurts to smile hurts to breathe. People say take a pill it will make it better. All the pills do is mask the issues. You  are shut off from love and feelings all together.

I am 26 years old and I have battled with depression for ever. I'm usually pretty good at masking it. Simple things can cause a down word spiral. I feel as though I'm not important, not valued, not wanted. Is this reality? It's a constant second judgement and second guessing of does this really mean how I interpreted it, or is there something else lying under the tone. I live in fear of rejection, I live in fear of happiness.

I write things, not to receive sympathy, because honestly I don't want anyone's sympathy. I write because it feels good to say things.  I'm probably more open than I should be, but I prefer to think of it as expressive. It feels good to express into words the thoughts in my head. Tomorrow is a different day and it may be perfect. I hold onto the hope that better days are always ahead.

Update

Well goodness, it has been awhile since I posted an update! Jason is growing so fast, and filling my every waking moment with happiness. He is still very stubborn in regards to talking, but we are working on sign language and encouraging him to talk. He is just under 3ft and weights 28 pounds now! I can't believe how fast he has grown!! For having such a rough start to live, I do declare him absolutely perfect :)

However.... that still doesn't stop the comments and the glances. My son does not speak. Does that break my heart, well yes it does. I'm dying to hear what the kid has to say, what he sounds like. We are working on his speech, with a therapist and are slowly but surely seeing progress. Does this mean something is wrong with my son? Well on that front, I have no freaking clue. Jason does have some repetitive behavior that we have written off as curiosity, and maybe it is maybe it isn't. If we redirect him, he seems to do fine and enjoys playing. He plays great at daycare and enjoys being outside and just exploring everything.

The point is, if there is something wrong with our son, it really doesn't bother us. I could have known in the womb that something was going to be seriously wrong with him, and I still would have chosen to keep him. We will continue, as we always have to seek the best for our son. No matter what he is our little man and regardless, he is perfect to us. We are so blessed to have so many amazing and caring people in our lives. You shape my sons world :)

Mourning an Idea

As I'm bustling around the house last night, packing for our weekend away, I happened to glance at the calender. Sunday is May 24th.... why is this day important? I stared at it for a few minutes wondering what was the significance of this day and then it hit me. May 24th was my due date, we should be celebrating Jason's 2nd birthday this weekend. It's amazing how even after two years, a flood of emotions and regrets coming surging forward.
Honestly, I would change a thing about our lives, but you can't help but be wistful about things. I wasn't pregnant at my baby shower, I never had maternity photos taken. I never got to have that amazing experience of you child laying on your chest and enjoying the moment of pure joy it brings. What I had was very different. Instead of being able to enjoy the birth of my child, I do hope enjoy is the right word, I was filled with panic and dread. I remember laying there, praying to god that Jason would cry, that's all I wanted was to hear him cry. Our baby shower was filled with people who weren't quite sure what to say (I LOVE YOU ALL BY THE WAY) and a very anxious mother who kept looking at her phone, asking if it was time to leave yet. I fiddled with the NICU bracelet on my wrist more times than I could count, and called the NICU at least three times to check on my tiny little man.
My son is a fighter, he is my miracle and I wouldn't change anything about him. However I can't help but mourn an idea. You go into motherhood with an idea. I am a planner, so I planned everything down to a t. I had everything laid out, plans and then boom all that changes. You can't help but mourn an idea, a thought, a process. We all expect things to go one way, and when they don't we are filled with emotions, negative, positive, sad, angry, all the above. We mourn an idea. So while my son is over two, I think May 24th will always hold a special place in my heart. It's my idea, my date :)

Parenting 101: What they don't tell you!!!

There are certain things, they don't tell you about having a child. They tell you all the good things, like the snuggles and the laughs. The part where you could never love another person more, well the def have that right. It's unbelievably amazing being a parent. You stare at this little person and couldn't possibly imagine life without them. 
Parenting is generalized by so many people. Children are all expected to do certain things at certain times and if they don't you panic! Am I a good parent? What am I doing wrong? The truth is all kids do things at different paces.
So back to the moral of my rambling, there are certain things they don't tell you about parenting. There are certain little things that you trade when you become a parent. Things you wouldn't normally wouldn't think would be so special, like going to the bathroom alone! Inevitably, as soon as you close the door, a child cries, or bangs on the door yelling "MAMA IN!!" a the top of their lungs. And it doesn't just stop there. If you lay down to relax, they will find you. If you want to eat something, they are right there begging you for food.
Now the moral of this story is that while, I wouldn't change any of this for a single second, to be a parent i to self sacrifice. You never think of all the little things you give up that are so important, so simple. So every once in a while, take a bubble bath, have a drink and enjoy yourself! You are a human being and you have desires too! :)

He is 2!!

Wow!! Just wow!! My little boy is officially 2. He no longer looks like a little baby, he looks like a little man. I just can't believe how fast time has gone. I am so blessed to be Jason's mommy!! This year we decided to do smaller parties instead of one giant party (my wallet was thankful). Saturday we were supposed to have some of his little friends over to play, but unfortunately sickness ran rampant that day, so only one of our little friends showed. Not to worry though, T and Jason always have such a great time together! They played and played and played. Toddler giggles could be heard as they chased each other and played with balloons. The weekend was a success regardless and he was spoiled like usual! Thank you to all of our family and friends who came to celebrate our little guy with us! We are as always humbled by your love and support!

I think he's pretty dang handsome how about you :)

Tenley and Jason~ Best Friends!

Jason just adores his cousin Emma!

That face says it all , huh :)

Love~ The Prices

Blessings and Curses

The past few weeks, two of my friends have gone through an incredibly difficult time. Being a parent is both a blessing and a curse. Now before you rip my head off let me explain.

Blessing:
Being a parent is a true blessing from God. There is nothing more amazing in this world, than staring into the eyes of your child (whether adopted or birth) and knowing your their parent. The milestones you walk through as a parent are the most rewarding and inspiring. You will shape your child's future. You will be the person they turn to when anything is wrong.

Curse:
The curse of being a parent, is the worry and the pain. Not the pain of bringing a child into this world, but the pain of knowing that their are evils in this world. Bad things can happen to anyone. The terror of knowing that things are outside your control and there is nothing you can do about it. The feeling is almost indescribable. It's a terrifying thing to love someone with your whole heart and any decent parent loves their child with their entire being.

Being a parent is the most terrifying and rewarding experience. I wouldn't trade it for the world. The journey to be a parent isn't always easy. You have to take the good with the bad, and sometimes that means pain, sometimes it means tears. Love is both rewarding and terrifying.

I am a painter.... well sort of...

Well if you call clicking a camera painting, then yup I'm a painter :)