A Constant Battle

There are days when I think I finally have my depression under control. There are days where I'm happy and care free and the world is good. Then there are days where it physically hurts. It hurts to smile hurts to breathe. People say take a pill it will make it better. All the pills do is mask the issues. You  are shut off from love and feelings all together.

I am 26 years old and I have battled with depression for ever. I'm usually pretty good at masking it. Simple things can cause a down word spiral. I feel as though I'm not important, not valued, not wanted. Is this reality? It's a constant second judgement and second guessing of does this really mean how I interpreted it, or is there something else lying under the tone. I live in fear of rejection, I live in fear of happiness.

I write things, not to receive sympathy, because honestly I don't want anyone's sympathy. I write because it feels good to say things.  I'm probably more open than I should be, but I prefer to think of it as expressive. It feels good to express into words the thoughts in my head. Tomorrow is a different day and it may be perfect. I hold onto the hope that better days are always ahead.